Dear Teej,
If Donatello, the purple Ninja Turtle, and Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat were to
get in a fight, how wet would the man-gina of a person watching it be?
-Evan

I’m talken’ flood of 93 worth of wet man-gina, I’m talken’ you better learn to swim and fast wet, I’m talken the Pacific ocean is gonna look up and say ‘wow, that is wet’

D...D...Did you.. put horse meat in my hamburger..... *sniffle*.......... I thought
you loved me TJ!!!... -Mabyn

I didn’t do it, Dave Thomas did it. Think of it this way, if it tastes good who cares what it’s made of. cow, pig, horse, battery acid, it’s all the same

Dear TJ,
I have a certain question that has plagued man for all of time. WHY ARE YOU SO
SEXY? Many people have pondered this but got no where. Please help.

Love Gabe,

Long Hair + 5 year old shoes + Crap car + Polish heritage + witty charm = sexy

I dont like lies...My mom told me my arms were wings and i didnt find out they
werent wings until i was six years old...i think Santa Clause is just wrong..
parents tell their kids not to talk to strangers yet they let them sit on some fat
mans lap in malls, and tell lies about bringing them presents...that the man in the
fat red costume will actually squeeze down your chimney and eat your cookies and
milk..and then get sucked up...Do you think these things could have harmed me and
other children?....Do you like lies?....Did you think that you had wings? Did you
sit on a fat mans lap in a mall?.. Were you scared?..Are you going to the mall this
year?...If you are we should go together, it might be kinda fun!......and we would
get a candy cane when we were done!!! - Bailey!

1. Do I think those things harmed you? Maybe when alla’ that happened, but now all previous damage should be done with.
2. Do I like lies? Yes they make me feel much better about my self. (looking in the mirror,’Man am I a sexy beast’)
3. Did I think I had wings? No, but I used to think pro-wrestling was real until like 3 days ago.
4. Did I sit on a fat mans lap in a mall? Yes
5. Was I scared? Not then, but now the the mear thought of a middle aged man having large numbers of small children sit on his lap bothers me. The fact that I am included in this bothers me even more, I think I need a psychologist.
6. Am I going to the mall this year? Maybe to buy some music at the ole’ On-Cue, or some Gillette Mach 3 razors at the ole’ Dollar General, and now that you mention it to see santa. Other than that, no.
7. Can you come when I go to see santa? Why not, I’ll do any thing for a candy cane!

Hey TJ, I was wondering, with the constant rising inflation costs, rising
worries due to war time casualties prospects, with no end near. I was
wondering, if you could have someone raise the roof for you who would it be
and why.
-David M

After months of thinking my answer is 7.

Will you have sex with me TJ?... In my... mom's bed?... teehee(dark sexy voice)... -
-Mabyn

I’m sorry Mabyn, If I had sex with you, soon after Bubba would be haven sex with me, and I’ll probbably go to prison too. (It’s cuz your a youngin’)

Dear T.J.
If you could, would you take on the high school librarian to seek vengence
for all of those who have been kicked out for no good reason, and if so
would you also put a snake picture as the background for all of the terrible
computers contained therein?
--Ashley

Being just another victim of random library kicked-outen’, I would be more happy to seek vengence for the others. First I would go into the library like normal (or as normal as a kid 2 years out of high school could), then I would as quick as possible check my e-mail, look at porn, and start some MSN messenger conversations. When the dirty hoe-bag came over to tell me no, I would take out my nine and shoot her in her face. . . . twice. And yeah, snake pictures are cool, I guess.

Hey TJ, here's a question. Who would win in a fight, The Loch Ness Monster,
or a Big Foot? -John ‘Big Gay’ Herr

Well Big Gay, since I don’t think that Loch Ness can climb out of the water, that means that the Big Foot would have to take the fight to the water, were the Loch Ness would have a huge advantage. The Big Foot’s main hope is to find a big gun and shoot it or throw rocks at the thing or somethin’

Dear TJ,
What is your favorite season and why? Do you like Summer for the baseball or
fall for the football? Or winter for snowblowing? Or something else?

Or something else, like that rare, often forgeten season spring, that you forgot to mention!? Anyways I’ve always been a big fall fan. Baseball is winding down, football and hockey are just getting started, my birthday comes around (Nov. 1st, send all gifts to T. J. Zick, 502 I st, Keokuk IA) and most importantly I get to see all you chump suckas’ go back to school. I’m too good for your silly education!!!1!

TJ- would you ever have sex on the counter at wendy's?
- sarah and anna and rob

All things considered, givin the opportunity I’d have sex just about any were. But knowing that the counter at wendy’s should be wiped and santized every 15 minutes gives me plenty of time to do the dirty deed on a nice, smooth, jerm free surface.

Dear TJ,
Why do you wear a twinky costume? Are you hiding something? – Jenna Wolfe

Underneath the twinky costume, a ho-ho costume, underneath that, a ding-dong costume, under that just my cold nekkid body. And that enough is worth hiding.

Why does it burn when I pee? – Calvin Stevens

Uhhhhh. . . . isn’t that normal? j/k Actually Calvin, do you remember that time we went to that party and had some beers? When you weren’t lookin’ someone spiked your drink with gonorrhea, sorry. I should have told you sooner but I didn’t have the heart.

Hey TJ, I was just wondering, if maybe you'd take me out on my first real date? Maybe come pick me up in the nova? Then whatever else, i dunno what would you wanna do? I just figure hey, he’s polish, which in a polish girls mind means, hes a charming and witty gentleman, that will surely show me a good time, or else be great in bed. Either way, im just wondering what you think. - Amy Stringwell

Well Amy, what could be better than a date in WEST K!!!1! After picking you up in the Nova (which is a %100 west k vehicle if I ever saw one) we would go pick up some hot dogs from the local Kwik-Shop, then while eating them we could sit at Keiser Park and enjoy the pretty lights of Roquette. Then after the sweet sweet smell of Roquette renders you unconscious, well you won’t remember anything after that so I’m not gonna go there. . . actually in all reality if a real date were to go down I probably comb my hair and wear a nice shirt, maybe take you some were nice to eat then after the sweet sweet smell of a freshly bathed T. J. renders you unconscious, well you won’t remember anything after that so I’m not gonna go there. . . (call me)

Dear TJ, What's your favorite color? -Rex Hicks

PAIN!!1! . . . . . or green. Whatever.

Dear TJ,
Ever since I was a lad, I've been pondering the question all humanity has faced throughout histoy, no not the one about the meaning of life and why we are here, thats a silly question anyway, no I question the fact that hot dogs come ten to a package while buns come in eight. My brother says it's because kids often eat wieners without buns, and it's just thoughtful packaging by the meat packers. He's a total pussy though, so I smacked his ass and laughed like a pirate...YAR! It's obvious that what we have here is a conspiracy between Oscar Mayer and Hy-Vee to keep us endlessly buying either hot dogs or buns to use up the leftovers. What's the story? Help me TJ, you're my only hope....

R.J. Herr,

Because you touch yourself at night. Actually, the answer is fairly simple when you break it down. The least common denominator for the numbers 8 and 10 is 40, and since no sane family would eat 40 hotdogs before they expire, they must waste one of the other because buns are far cheaper than hotdog, buns are the ones who get wasted. We also need to recognize that the hotdog came before the hotdog bun (in the same way that cars came before garages) So, it is the hotdog bun companies that cause this imbalance . Now that we know that it is the bun companies fault that this waste is created, the questions why? Who benefits from the trashing of a perfectly good bread product. Hobos. You may not know it but every night homeless people pick through your garbage looking for something to eat, and buns being high in nutrients offer a healthy meal for our homeless friends. It's obvious that bun manufactures must have a soft spot for these jobless bums. It's the only thing that makes sense. In conclusion, "Why do buns come in packages of 8 and hotdogs in packages of 10?" because hotdog manufacturers want to feed the homeless.

TJ who would u rather have sex with Wilma or Betty from the Flintstones? -Anthony Schulte

It's gotta' be the firey red-head, Whilma. (In slow perverted voice) Yabba, Dabba, Do. OH!

If you were a small thin white man in a big black mans prison, and were only armed with a spatula, how would you improve on your situation? - JM Sestito

A: Realize that anything is better than rape from a 300lb black man. (This includes crapping your pants)B: Crap your pants. C: Notice the disappointment in Bubba's eyes when he realizes no one can take advantage of a thin white man with feces slowly crawling up his back. D: Now give your spatula a name and make it your best friend.... Cuz it's the only friend you're going to get, poopy pants.