T.J's Rant #1 “Prom Dumb”
by T. J. Zick

You know what gets me all worked up? (No, T.J. What?) It's when people think you have to go to your senior prom. (Really T.J... Tell me more.) In my opinion Prom has to be one of the most overrated things since the XFL. (...and why is that T.J.?) Because all it is, is another dance. The only difference being that you have to rent a tux, pay for a meal at a fancy restaurant for your date, buy her a corsage yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah...all things I don't really give a flying fuck about. ( I don't know T.J., I think you'd look good in a tux) That may be true but for the money it would take to rent a tux I could buy some clothes to look good in them for more than one night. Besides the fact I've never been at a fancy restaurant I liked more than Burger King, and odds are your date will have lost that fancy corsage before graduation rolls around. (but T.J. if you don't go to prom you'll miss the dancing and loud rap music) Well, I gotta' say.. I hate rap, hip-hop, R & B whatever you wanna' call it so much It might just be the subject of another rant in the future, and dancing...I'll just say that jumping isn't the only thing white boyz can't do. (Well.. you're going to after-prom....right?) Let's think this through logically I'm not going to have a date to prom. (Right...) all my friends'll have dates (Right..) so I'll be at after-prom wondering by myself. (That's kind of a weak reason to go T.J.) That and I think a NASCAR race is on that night. (Well...why didn't you say so?...)

Rant #2 “School Dumb”
by T.J. Zick

I wrote in a previous rant about how prom is dumb, and that kinda’ for me thinking. There are many, many, many more things that go on in high school that don’t make a lot of sense. To be honest quite a few of these things flat out piss me off. Let me start with one thing that goes on before high school even starts. Orientation. Here’s an idea, let’s take some 8th graders then lets let um walk through the high school so they’ll know where there goin’ when school starts. Oh wait, how ‘bout we do it in like 5 minutes and lets do it so long before school starts none of those little shits will remember anything anyway. Pure genius. Whew... it feels good to get all of that off my chest. I apologize if I offend anyone, and for my harsh language, but the illogical way in which the school system works is one of the few topics I feel passionate about. Now on to dumb thing #2. Home room. Every morning during school I was faced with a very important decision I could sleep for an extra 20 or so minutes or I could sit bored in a class room listen to school announcements I don’t give a flying fuck about, then watch.....CHANNEL ONE!!! Not only do I get more news I don’t care about I get a don’t drink, don’t do drugs, have sex, kill, breath, eat, do anything but watch channel one message to go along with it. (On a side note if I don’t have a class until 9:20 why do I have to be at school at 8:15?) Pep rallies, It’s fairly obvious most of Keokuk High School either ain’t got no pep (like me) or is too scared to show it (like most of the can’t stand out, must conform I ain’t cheering if no one else is cheering preps out there) Wait now that I think about it I won’t insult some thing that involves young, sexy ladies jumping around in tiny shirts for lots of hormone crazed teenagers to see. Cheerleaders: We got the spirit! T.J.: I need a cold shower. (Hey T.J. isn’t this supposed to be about what you don’t like?) Ah yes, I apologize for getting distracted. On to dumb thing #3, Homework and the grading system in general. I truly believe that homework as we know it should be abolished completely. I want to learn while I'm at school. Do everything but while I'm at home. Instead of homework, I propose the following.
1. Nothing that can effect your grade can be required to do at home, with the exception of extra credit.
2. All schools change to the 8 block system which is 4 hour and a half classes. 4 other classes the next, because...
3. This will give students time to do all their work in class. in class work along with tests will determine your grade.
Holy cow, a system that makes everyone happy. We can’t have that. And after four years of dealing with this and other assorted bullshit (including prom...) we get to the big graduation ceremony. Some body tell me why this is important. One day did a couple incompetent school administrators get together and decide instead of just sending everyone their god damn diplomas in the mail, we’ll have a ceremony where everyone will wear a silly looking dress. (That cost a shit load of money, way more than I’ll ever pay for a dress anyway.) We’ll have people give sappy speeches and in the end everybody will throw their hats in the air like they’re a bunch of mother fucking Mary Tyler Moore wannabes. The only thing stupider is that people were surprised when I wasn’t their to support the rest of my mindless follower class mates.

“T.V. Or P.E.?”
by Rex Hicks

Okay, here it is. The ultimate argument. Forget abortion. Forget religion. The true question lies in “Why is P.E. a required class!?” The world may never know. Okay, maybe not the world because I am part of the world and I know, Damnit! P.E. equals evil. Pure evil, I tell you! First things first. P.E. is only worth a quarter of a credit and is a required class by law! Thas’ ludacwis! The quarter credit makes it worth what!? ...absolutely nothing! I mean, I could be taking a core class with one or even two credits, but no! I am forced to take this class worth nothing that I absolutely despise! Another thing, for people such as myself, “the kid picked last”, you know the ones with no strength, no ambition or just out and out physical skill. It is just embarrassing. I say if we have to take P.E. we should at least be able to take T.V. as a class because I know I’ve learned a lot more sitting at home watching T.B than I’ve ever learned playing Volley Ball. I’m just saying, make it equal. Those who don’t wanna’ take P.E. Take T.V! It’d be much easier that way. So there it is, the solution to the worlds problems, War, school shootings, Terrorism. (Dun, dun!) and cancer. All in a one page hand written rant. I thank you for listening. You will thank me later.

To Anyone Who Has The Time,
Rex Hicks

“Hoedown”
by Ashley Hecox

I thought I'd write another rant about our favorite place in the whole wide world... Keokuk High School! Granted, I do not go there anymore, at least not for learning purposes (hahaha!) but I still hear what happens around there occasionally. I have sources. So, here comes Homecoming, yet another thing that most people have learned to not care about because our football team just plain sucks, and I ask what the theme happens to be.

So, what do I hear?

RODEO.

You have to be shitting me. Seriously.

I swear to any and all deities that may exist that if someone doesn't beat the crap out of that student council soon, I will.

Let us flash back to my freshman year, way back in '99. That year was something to the effect of "barnyard." No kidding. It set my expectations so very, very high. The rest I honestly don't recall, except that somewhere in there was a Mexican Fiesta and some other stupid, pointless crap. I mean, it's pathetic! Why would anyone want to show up to a rodeo themed dance?! For charming pictures? For the lassoes that will undoubtedly be there? I thought "If I Could Turn Back Time" for After Prom last year was bad, but this has really gotten me.

I knew things would go downhill when I left, but I had no idea.

So I go to the dance, which I obviously wasn't that thrilled about in the first place. I can't blame anyone though, it was my idea to go. Really, it was just something to do. I walk in the front doors and what do I see? A mass of people... standing. Just standing, looking about as thrilled as I was. The difference? They were smiling, and in big groups, whereas I stood semi-alone the whole night.

Behold, the joy of my life.

In my infinite boredom I happened to look around. Decent D.J. who at least played something other than rap. The lights were alright. And then, to my right...

A cowboy boot. With moving spur.

So absorbed was I in this monstrosity that I didn't bother to look right in front of me. Well, at least not as soon as I would have had not it's ugliness paralyzed every brain cell I could conjure. However, as soon as the atrophy wore off I slowly cranked my neck back again and saw it.

A lasso. A lasso out of rope lights. Hanging from the ceiling.

So, who votes we use it on whoever came up with the idea to put it there? I say we bind and gag the entire student council with rope lights and chunks of "float boot." How about that? That's what they get for ruining one perfectly good Homecoming!

Wait, what am I talking about? This is Keokuk. Haha, nevermind then.